Here comes the rain again! Noah, his wife, his sons, and step-daughters are in for the fucking ride of their lives as we continue now with the bible according to me! So pull up a chair as this promises to make your grandmother roll over in her grave and your preacher suckle even harder on the tit of Christ.

    Noah has a rocky 40 days and 40 nights bobbing up and down on the waters of the earth with nothing but a shit-load of stinky animals and his extended family to keep him company. Maybe Christians should simulate this feat in the Atlantic Ocean and see if they can survive by the grace of God!

    This story is also where we first encounter the beloved dove. However this time she isn't bringing -us peace , she's being used as a tool. The dove is dispatched from the ark and will either fucking drown or comes back. The allows Noah to tell if he can leave the ark or not. So she eventually brings back an olive branch, probably to build a nest, and Noah once again sends her out and she pisses off for good this time. God then sends word to Noah that he has accepted that all humans are forever destined to be piss-ants from birth and he will learn to deal with it. Noah is now back on the ground and ready to start anew when god issues him a some new rules. This one was the most curious to me:

3 Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.

4 But flesh with the life thereof, [which is] the blood thereof, shall ye not eat. -Genesis 9:3-4

    So what exactly does this mean. Is God saying you may eat from what you want but only after it has died a natural death?

    He then goes on to say that for any blood of man that is shed that there shall be the repercussion of the blood of another being shed. He's not specific as to it being the same man whose blood shall be shed. Perhaps it's his child or mistress instead. Besides which, this is a vengeful god who will take his wrath out on anyone at anytime!

    I loved the part where Noah gets drunk on wine, passes out naked and his 2 kids cover him up and make sure not to look at his tallywacker. His son Ham, founder of Canaan, was the gossipy little shit that decided to go and tell his brothers his dad was sprawled out in a drunken stupor showing off his testicles for the world to see. Noah instinctively knows this and then issues a decree stating Ham is henceforth the bitch-boy to his other 2 brothers and shall not prosper in the same way they will. Fathers certainly haven't changed much.

    After another useless 2 chapters of who's who in biblical times we get to learn about Abram (later to be known as Abraham), who is another fortunate son smiled upon by God. We learn of Abram's selfish plight for life as he convinces his wife to play the part of his sister so that she can be banged by a pharaoh so that he can live the life of a man with plenty. God, being the biased little fucker he is, punishes the pharaoh for screwing another man's wife and Abram eventually is asked to leave the Egyptians without a scratch on his pathetic body.

    I'm finding it exceedingly curious how little is actually said in Genesis and yet how much people tend to elaborate on it. So far, we've talked about Sodom for a total of 2 sentences in 4 chapters and we've been told that the men of Sodom are sinners. I've certainly heard nothing of butt sex or even the odd blowjob. Nothing has been mentioned of homosexual activity whatsoever. I was hoping for something for the spank bank, too!

    I feel a lot a pain for Sarai, Abram's wife. Poor thing can't have any kids, she's been thrown in a harem and used by a pharaoh only to escape with her bastard of a husband who desperately wants a child. She then allows for him to screw the maid and have a kid, known as Ishmael.

On a side note, I almost dated a guy named Ishmael once. However, in the heat of passion I had a hard time calling his name out and he whispered in my ear "call me Ishy". Fucking Ishy! I couldn't look him in the eyes anymore (or in the back of the head) and had to leave.

So as God decides Abram shall now be known as Abraham and will be the false prophet of several religions, he also decides that Sarai shall be known as Sarah from now on. God then decides he'll finally let "Sarah" have a kid now that she's 90 and that they must name the child Isaac.

We then learn that Abraham must lose his foreskin. Yep, folks, it's the circumcision part of the Bible. We evidently lose our cock flap because it's a sign that we as Abraham's children are upholding the covenant set between Abraham and God. Evidently God was never a big fan of docking.

  So far we've learned that God chooses the names of our children for us and that only people who are willing to lie for the grace of God get ahead in the bible.

    I wonder if religious people justify their ignorance as being for the grace of god. Do they choose to reject certain aspects of the world simply because it's easier to live in the biblical domain?

    What will it take to get them to see that it's no different than living in Teletubbyland? Although that sun with the baby's face was fucking cool.

  Tubby bye-bye!!! (for now)